These past 3 days have been long and stressful. I don’t involve myself in drama what so ever. The reason I don’t have nearly the same amount of friends in high school than I did in middle school is because I removed all the people around me that made my life any harder or more dramatic than it needed to be. On Tuesday though I had my first taste of high school drama. I was so blind sided by it all. I feel kinda in shock cause I don’t really know what to do now, I don’t know how to fix this, I don’t know the right words to say, and I don’t know what this means for me and the rest of high school. The reason I say that is because this drama is between someone who I hang out with a lot and we have ALL the same friends and it will make wrestling season awkward as fuck. I don’t know why he is angry with me he keeps saying a ton of bullshit. I don’t understand the problem. I’m so confused. Is it wrong of me to not be taking this lightly. Is it wrong of me to expect more from you than this. Is it wrong of me for worrying things wont be the same between me and you and all of our friends. I just want to talk in person, one on one, me and you alone! You haven’t even look at me since Tuesday afternoon. I want you to care but you don’t want to fix this you want an excuse to be my friend anymore because it would be “easier”. I just have so many feelings, emotions, and thoughts in my mind as of right now. I don’t know what to do with it all. I’ve never been in this kind of sitch. I have so much inside of me right now and no one to talk to about this with except for myself. I feel so GAHHHHH … . overwhelmed. 

i thought you were different but you just like everyone said you’d be. you owed it to me as a friend to treat me like a human being with feelings. you cant just use people it isnt right. i havent been this said since my first boyfriend and we didnt even become official but we were never even close. you and i ever even friends from the beginning you were using me. the worst part of that is i knew just didnt want to admit it. 

i wish you would act the way you used to act before i let you get close to me and then once you got what you wanted you faded away

i went to lunch and called my friends i usually sit with and no one answered there phone. I sat there (alone) for about 2 minutes. no one showed and i could sit with my boy wrestler friends because i would feel unwanted with out an invite. i walked out of the cafeteria (alone) and went to the library started a book plugged in my hear phone and drown myself in the words of the author and beat of the music. not one person noticed i was missing from lunch, no one soul cared, if i slit my throat would they care? if i moved far far away would they miss me or even remember me. i dont really want to live like this anymore… … … .

how come i am dangerously interested in two boys… this is a dangerous attraction because they are brothers.I SWEAR ONLY ME AND MY SICK MIND -__-. They are just so nice and have great personalities, and not to mention their hot bodies!!! ill get into detail of why i like both and can’t decide on one in another text post. 

me being on the wrestling manager team i spend like every week end with the wrestlers, and well one night we all made plans to play manhunt. we had all played before with each other and loved the game! we all partnered up  and i got one of the brothers… i was pretty excited up i didn’t think anything would happen.so we found the best hiding spot ever!!! as were hiding he starts to be all cute and grab me by my waist and pull me closer “so they couldn’t see me” wink wink… then next thing i knew both of our eyes were staring at each other… and he kissed me. i was shocked, and i whispered “no one can know” but who was i to say no and plus not like wanted to say no! he was so sexy he kissed my neck perfect! along with feeling me up in all the right ways with out going “too far”. hate to admit it but we would have done more then make out if we weren’t hiding trying to be quiet along with not knowing if we’d be found and caught. i wish we would have had all night to fool around. 

the disappointment i found on my phone when i got home was heart stopping i got home to a text saying:

K said “that was fun”

I replied “yeah it was pretty fun”

i had amilionandone things on my mind, i wanted to ask like what just happened.

K said “so were not telling anyone”

I replied “looks that way”

K said “cool”

I replied “why did you do that anyways” 

me worried about what i was about to read

K said “i know you kinda like me and not be a  dick or anything but i was just being a horny boy. i dont want to hurt you though”

i am thinking… seriously he used the hell out of me. TF i deserve better . he knew i wouldn’t refuse so he went for it for his own game. i know that all isn’t right but still i am thinking of how much more i like him and that is messed up on my part now. i sucked up my real emotions and said be strong and just run with it.

I replied “thats fine with me, will it happen again?”

K said “if you okay with FWB then yeah, lets do it”

I replied “yeah im cool with that”

end of convo. but i wanted to be like you dont even like me a little not even a sliver of a feeling. i also wanted to tell people esspecially Jonny because he claimed i’m out of his league, clearly NOT. i told my best friend Jennifer and leah but i want people to know but not think of me as a whore or something. i also feel that i only agreed to FWB because i feel as if i can’t have him as a boyfriend ill take what i can get but i shouldn’t give him what he wants i should make him give me something for ANYTHING in return. GAHHHHHHHH im a stupid girl.

i have pictures from when i went to Phipp Island a couple of years ago and my friend saw them. i was really thin in those photos and now he said to me kinda on accident ” Wow stephanie you used to be like really really cute.” when i got home i just broke like i cryed and everything. i want to be the same girl. i feel like i let everyone down. i wish things were the same, also the boy i like saw them and he said “you need to try to get in shape like that again because aren’t you going to the beach? and you want to go as the old steph not this unreal verison of yourself” im kinda like well thanks … i almost want to be like i  wish i could be her for you and im actually going to try to be